Yet there absolutely is no more annoying personality in current popular music than Ms. Minaj. Her fashion, her flow, her dumb little voices, her stupid fucking name — Nicki Minaj is the trashiest, most annoying act going. Here’s a complete catalog of why… Her Stupid Fucking Name Yes, I prefer the classic double-K spelling of Nikki but that’s not really my issue. We even have a Nicki around the office and she’s OK. But Minaj? This chick’s real name is Onika Tanya Maraj, which sounds like it could do the job. Instead, she switched a few letters to make it sound vaguely dirty – Ménage obviously being a French loanword co-opted to mean threesome. It’s trashy as hell, and every time I hear it I think it sounds like a really dumb pun. At the very least it makes it impossible to take her seriously. Yes, lots of pop tarts play the hoochie game. It sells, I get it. However, it’s doubly annoying that Nicki goes and gives Vibe a quote about how she doesn’t want or need to whore it up. Not true – starting with that annoying name. Speaking of her claims about not using sex… Her Lack of Respect for Her Obvious Direct Influences “When I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly,” she says. “The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot… and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing,” Nicki said. This is an obvious shot at ladies like Lil’ Kim who is too old, deaf and incarcerated to play the part of competitor anymore anyway. You’re basically the only chick in the game right now, Nicki, so, please, show a little fucking respect for the person you stole your entire black Barbie image and girly-girl flow from. Speaking of her flow… Her Awful Verse on “BedRock” Might Be The Worst in the History of Rap. Look, “BedRock” is a shitty song to begin with — the surest sign yet Young Money has become the next Bad Boy — but it’s Nicki Minaj’s shitty verse that really makes it fucking unlistenable. Yes, Gudda’s stupid line about being “that Red Bull” is trite and Lloyd’s T-Pain impersonation bothers me, but it’s Nicki singing about being “the bestest” off the top (is the next line actually “like asbestos” — that’s what I’ve always thought?) that really fucking kills it. Like most people, this was the first time I heard Minaj, and I still remember the immediate sense of repulsion I felt when she opened her mouth to do that stupid little kid verse. Again, she got a 360 deal with shit like that. Well, that and a pretty face, thin waist and huge buns, as Mr. Mix-A-Lot would say. Speaking of those buns… Whatever that Stuff on Her Ass is, It’s Ugly Some people say Nicki Minaj got ass implants. Others say she uses butt pads. She, of course, denies there’s anything unnatural involved in the most condescending way possible, “People will pick anything to talk about, and that happens to be the thing at the moment.” Whatever it is, I don’t like it. Hey, I like Kim Kardashian, J.Lo and Beyounce as much as the next guy, but Minaj’s plastic parts are just gross. Disturbing, really. It’s the sort of thing that can totally invert a boner — which is dangerous. Speaking of turning people on… She Uses Trumped Up Claims of Bisexuality to Sell Records. Nicki walks a really, really fine line with her sexuality. On one hand, she wants guys (and some sympathetic women) to totally think she’s bi if they find that sexy. On the other hand, she claims an appreciation for the female form but says doesn’t actually hook up with chicks, which is a good way to not alienate slightly more conservative fans. She says it’s about “no labels” but I don’t for a second buy that she means that in any way beyond the marketing implications. Sorry to the ladies at Bitch Magazine, but Minaj isn’t for real with this — it’s not that she won’t “risk her career” but is dropping “clues” about it — it’s that she’s not that into girls, she just wants to sell records. Or maybe I should put it this way: I hear she really wants to date Anne Heche. But speaking of marketing gimmicks… She Co-Opted the Susan G. Komen Foundation’s Pink Friday Event to Promote Herself Nicki sure knows how to work the media — witness the situation where she scored tons of free ink by doing a little PSA for the breast cancer-fighting Susan G. Komen association the same week her record was dropping. The group’s event, and her album, were both called Pink Friday. What exactly did Nicki do to “help”? Well, she issued a statement and gave a brief interview via Skype — in exchange the group disseminated her statement to their giant media list and played one of her shitty videos on their webcast. “I fully support the efforts of Pink Friday and the goal of raising funds to support Susan G. Komen for the Cure and their charge to bring an end to breast cancer,” said Minaj. “I am pleased to be associated with the Pink Friday initiatives and to raise awareness amongst fellow African American women who are often the hardest hit by breast cancer.” While it makes sense that the Komen group would be excited to have a star on-board — especially if they know very little about her totally offensive career — I can’t seem to find what, if anything, Ms. Minaj did to help the cause besides issuing a brief statement of support and a short interview from the comfort of her own home. No “such-and-such will be donated,” no public appearance, just a few words of support typed by her publicist and a little chat on video with a friendly interviewer. Yeah, this was her “contribution” to the cause. Not bad in exchange for getting to plug the name of her album twice in that statement, which was widely distributed to media! So tacky. And so very Nicki.