I plucked up the courage to go clubbing with my hot, marga-looking 86 year-old boyfriend Noris last night. I wore a black sequenced boob tube two sizes too small, pink denim size 16 batty-riders, finished off perfectly with silver sized 14 sandles to reveal my green overgrown toenails and multiple toe callouses and bumps. I was the envy of the room, girls side-eyeing me up and down in my sexylicious outfit. Noris fingered me on the dancefloor all night, and happily licked up the thick yellow discharge from my fanny off of his fingers. #LuckiestGirl